An Interview with Ayn Rand

Ayn Rand is universally accepted as the greatest (pre-Greatman) thinker the world has ever known. Her philosophy of objective selfishness has bettered the lives of dozens, teaching them how to break the cycle of their own mediocrity. She began the work of conditioning the minds of the uninformed masses, allowing at least some of them to glimpse objective reality. And most importantly she paved the way for me. I have only one small problem with Ayn Rand: she's dead. Imagine if you will what she and I could have accomplished together, with her acting as the Dagny Taggart to my John Galt. Quite frankly it angers me greatly that she chose to die before my coming. This was what I was thinking on last night as I took my quotidian dose of mescaline. It would seem that my desire to speak with Ayn was at that moment so strong that it communicated itself beyond the linear temporal framework, for when I awoke a few hours later I found the great lady herself perched upon the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door. I of course took the opportunity presented to engage in a dialog with Ayn. What follows in this post is a transcription of that interrogation.

Me: Mistress Rand, I thank you for joining me this evening. I imagine it must be a great honor for you.

Ayn Rand: A great honor indeed, Mr. Greatman. Thank you for calling me here.

Me: As I plan to share this discussion with the denizens of the cyberweb do you have anything you wish to say to them?

Ayn Rand: Only that I am gravely disappointed that mankind has failed to take my teachings to heart.

Me: Me too, me too. Perhaps though the blame lies not entirely with the children who refused to learn, but also with the teacher who failed to properly teach. But rest easy, I shall pick up where you left off, and this time make sure the message is beaten into the heads of the moronic masses.

Ayn Rand: For that you have my undying gratitude Mr. Greatman.

Me: Of course I do. Now let's get started, shall we? You were born in Russia, is that correct?

Ayn Rand: Yes, I was born in St. Petersburg.

Me: Does that then make you a red commie?

Ayn Rand: No sir, I despise communism.

Me: Not even a little bit pinko?

Ayn Rand: I stand firmly with the whites.

Me: Good to hear. I want to talk now about philosophy. One of the core tenets of your philosophy is that the initiation of force is evil, but what happens when the initiation of force is the best, or only, way to act in your own rational self-interest? For example, what if there is only one doughnut left in the break room at work and Steve from accounting is reaching for it. You know that it is in your own best interest to eat that doughnut, but you'll never reach it before Steve does. Is it not then okay to shove Steve and take the doughnut for yourself?

Ayn Rand: In the scenario which you describe it would indeed be okay to shove Steve; in fact it would be the only moral thing to do. It would however not be an initiation of force. By not allowing you to have the doughnut which you desired Steve is in fact the one initiating the force. Anyone standing in the way of you achieving your own interests is in fact initiating force against you. This is a basic concept, one which I am certain you already firmly grasp Mr. Greatman.

Me: You are right. I was testing you, and you passed. Now another test: you collected social security benefits. How do explain your taking advantage of such an evil collectivist program?

Ayn Rand: It was in my own rational self-interest to do so.

Me: Great answer, but it brings up an interesting question. In a situation such as this it would seem that we must abandon our philosophical beliefs in order to follow our philosophical beliefs. Is that not a contradiction?

Ayn Rand: No, contradictions cannot exist, therefore this cannot be a contradiction. We live in a reality which exists, and while we may work toward creating a new reality, we cannot ignore the framework of the existing reality. If in the existing reality the socialists wish to hand me money I am morally obligated to take it. It is as simple as that.

Me: Bravo my dear, you have passed my second test with flying colors. I must admit that I was afraid I might have tripped you up with that one. Let's move on to your influences. It is known that Aristotle provided the kernel which you then greatly expanded into your far-reaching philosophy, but some people say that there is evidence that you were also influenced by the famous degenerate Friedrich Nietzsche. Would you care to address these vile rumors?

Ayn Rand: Nietzsche was a perverted mystic, as evidenced by his man-love for the charlatan Zoroaster, who believed that the will took precedence over reason. I studied him briefly in my younger days, but only so as to understand how best to eviscerate him and his ideology. Never have I admired him, nor have his beliefs in any way poisoned the purity of my reason.

Me: And do you have anything to say about that other monster of pseudo-philosophy, Immanuel Kant?

Ayn Rand: If I were to express the fullness of my hatred for that buffoon we would be here all year. Allow me instead to just say that Kant was the worst human being to have ever lived, who brought about the worst catastrophe to have ever happened to our species. His Critiques, in particular his Critique of Pure Reason, are what began the human race's slow degeneration back into the bestial state. It is my greatest hope that you Mr. Greatman can triumph where I failed, and successfully combat the insidious evil which Kant released upon the world.

Me: Please rein in your emotions Ayn, you are embarrassing yourself. Rest assured that I will be the death of Kantian thought.

Ayn Rand: I apologize sir, sometimes I allow my womanly nature to get the better of me.

Me: It's quite understandable. Let us now discuss aesthetics, in particular the aesthetics of art. You propose that art can be measured by its objective aesthetic value, yet some of your detractors have opined that you only assigned objective value to art because your novels received poor critical reception. In effect they are saying that the aesthetic aspect of your philosophy was developed for no other reason than to attempt to prove your critics wrong.

Ayn Rand: Classic misdirection from my enemies. They propose that my aesthetic values were somehow influenced by my art. This is not possible, as those values are objective. No, it is in reality the other way around; my art was influenced by those objective aesthetic values, and is therefore objectively good.

Me: Speaking of your fiction, many people have told me that I remind them of a more personally powerful John Galt. Do you agree with this assessment?

Ayn Rand: I see you more as a hybrid, taking the best qualities of both John Galt and Howard Roark, and of course improving on them. Like Galt you are the paragon of ethical egoism, but like Roark you are a brilliant artist destined to change the world. You truly are the Perfectly Beautiful Man.

Me: So you see me as something of a Jonward Groalt?

Ayn Rand: Yes, exactly. Once again Mr. Greatman you are able to take my muddled thoughts and force them into cohesion.

Me: Other than your own novels, and of course my masterpiece, what would you say is your favorite work of fiction?

Ayn Rand: Fifty Shades of Grey, no question. It's just so sexy. Though I do like Twilight as well, mostly because of the innovative way in which the vampires sparkle.

Me: Interesting. I've grown a bit bored with this conversation, so I'm afraid we'll have to end here. Is there anything else you would like to say before we call it an evening?

Ayn Rand: You are an extremely attractive man Mr. Greatman. Would you mind terribly if I came down from my perch upon this bust and sat a little nearer to you?